APDL Eductation Resources/APDL Eductation Resources.iso/text/authors/poe/kingpest/KINGPEST

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                            King Pest

                  A TALE CONTAINING AN ALLEGORY

          The gods do bear and will allow in kings
          The things which they abhor in rascal routes.
               --Buckhurst's Tragedy of Ferrex and Porrex


About twelve o'clock, one night in the month of October, and during  the
chivalrous reign  of  the third  Edward,  two seamen belonging  to the
crew  of the Free and  Easy, a trading schooner plying between  Sluys
and the Thames, and  then at anchor in that river, were much astonished
to find themselves seated in the tap- room of an ale-house  in the
parish of St  Andrews, London--which ale-house bore for sign the
portraiture of a 'Jolly Tar'.

The  room,  although  ill-contrived,  smoke-blackened,  low- pitched,
and in  every other  respect agreeing with  the general character of
such places of  the period--was nevertheless, in the opinion of the
grotesque  groups scattered here and  there within it, sufficiently well
adapted to its purpose.

Of  these groups  our two  seamen  formed, I  think,the most
interesting, if not the most conspicuous.

The one who appeared to be the elder, and whom his companion addressed
by the characteristic appellation of 'Legs', was at the same time much
the taller of the two.  He might have measured six feet and a half, and
an habitual stoop in the shoulders seemed to have been the  necessary
consequence of an  altitude so enormous. Superfluities in height were,
however, more than accounted for by deficiencies in  other respects.
He was  exceedingly thin;  and might, as his associates asserted, have
answered, when drunk, for a pennant at  the mast-head,  or, when sober,
have served for  a jib-boom.  But  these jests, and others of a  similar
nature, had evidently produced, at no time, any effect  upon the
cachinnatory muscles  of the tar.   With high cheek-bones,  a large
hawk-nose, retreating  chin, fallen  under-jaw,  and  huge protruding
white eyes, the expression  of his countenance, although  tinged with a
species of dogged indifference to matters  and things in general, was
not the less  utterly solemn and serious beyond  all attempts at
imitation or description.

The  younger  seaman was,  in  all  outward appearance,  the converse of
his companion.   His stature could not  have exceeded four  feet.   A
pair of  stumpy  bow legs  supported  his squat, unwieldy figure,  while
his unusually short and  thick arms, with no ordinary fists at  their
extremities, swung off dangling  from his  sides like  the fins  of a
sea-turtle.   Small eyes,  of no particular  colour,  twinkled far  back
in  his  head.   His nose remained buried in the  mass of flesh which
enveloped  his round, full,  and purple face; and  his thick upper-lip
rested upon the still  thicker  one beneath  with  an  air  of
complacent  self- satisfaction,  much heightened  by the  owner's habit
of licking them  at intervals.  He evidently regarded his tall shipmate
with a   feeling   half-wondrous   half-quizzical;   and   stared   up
occasionally in his face as the  red setting sun stares up at the crags
of Ben Nevis.

Various  and eventful, however,  had been the peregrinations of the
worthy couple in and about the different tap-houses of the neighbourhood
during the earlier hours of the night.  Funds, even the most ample, are
not always everlasting; and it was with empty pockets our friends had
ventured upon the present hostelrie.

At  the precise  period,  then, when  this history  properly commences,
Legs,  and his fellow, Hugh Tarpaulin,  sat, each with both elbows
resting upon the large oak table in the middle of the floor, and with a
hand upon either cheek.  They were eyeing, from behind  a   huge  flagon
of   unpaid-for  'humming-stuff',   the portentous  words, 'No  Chalk',
which to  their indignation  and astonishment  were scored over the
door-way by means of that very mineral whose presence they purported to
deny.  Not that the gift of deciphering written characters--a gift among
the commonalty of that  day considered  little less  cabalistical  than
the  art of inditing--could, in strict  justice, have been laid to the
charge of either disciple of the sea; but there was, to say the truth, a
certain twist  in the formation of  the letters--an indescribable
lee-lurch  about the  whole--which foreboded,  in the  opinion of both
seamen,  a long run of dirty weather; and determined them at once,  in
the allegorical words of Legs  himself, to 'clew up all sail, and scud
before the wind'.

Having accordingly disposed of what remained of the ale, and looped up
the points of their short doublets, they finally made a bolt  for the
street.   Although Tarpaulin rolled  twice into the fireplace, mistaking
it  for the  door, yet their  escape was  at length happily
effected--and half  after twelve o'clock found our heroes ripe for
mischief, and running for  life down a dark alley in  the  direction of
St Andrew's  Stair,  hotly pursued  by the landlady of the 'Jolly Tar'.

At the epoch  of this eventful  tale, and periodically,  for many years
before and after, all England, but more especially the metropolis,
resounded with the fearful cry of 'Plague!'  The city was  in  a  great
measure  depopulated--and  in  those  horrible regions, in the  vicinity
of  the Thames, where,  amid the  dark, narrow, and filthy  lanes and
alleys, the Demon  of Disease  was supposed to have had his nativity,
Awe, Terror, and  Superstition were alone to be found stalking abroad.

By authority  of the king  such districts were  placed under ban, and
all persons  forbidden, under pain of death,  to intrude upon  their
dismal solitude.   Yet  neither  the mandate  of the monarch,  nor the
huge barriers  erected at the  entrances of the streets, nor  the
prospect  of that  loathsome death which,  with almost absolute
certainty, overwhelmed the wretch  whom no peril could  deter from  the
adventure,  prevented the  unfurnished and untenanted dwellings from
being stripped, by the hand of  nightly rapine, of  every article,  such
as  iron,  brass, or  lead-work, which could in any manner be turned to
a profitable account.

Above  all,  it was  usually found,  upon the  annual winter opening of
the barriers, that  locks, bolts, and  secret cellars had proved but
slender  protection to those rich stores  of wines and  liquors which,
in consideration  of the risk  and trouble of removal,  many  of  the
numerous dealers  having  shops  in  the neighbourhood had consented to
trust, during the period of exile, to so insufficient security.

But there  were very few  of the terror-stricken  people who attributed
these doings  to the  agency of  human hands.   Pest- spirits,
plague-goblins, and  fever-demons were the popular  imps of  mischief;
and tales so blood-chilling  were hourly told, that the whole mass  of
forbidden buildings was, at  length, enveloped in terror as  in a
shroud,  and the  plunderer himself was  often scared  away by  the
horrors  his own  depredations had  created; leaving the entire vast
circuit of prohibited  district to gloom, silence, pestilence, and
death.

It was  by one of  the terrific barriers  already mentioned, and which
indicated the  region beyond to be under  the Pest-ban, that,  in
scrambling down  an alley,  Legs  and the  worthy Hugh Tarpaulin  found
their progress suddenly impeded.   To return was out of  the  question,
and  no  time was  to  be lost,  as  their pursuers were close  upon
their heels.  With thorough-bred seamen to  clamber up the roughly
fashioned plank-work was a trifle; and maddened with the twofold
excitement of exercise and liquor, they leaped unhesitatingly  down
within the enclosure,  and holding on their  drunken  course  with
shouts  and  yellings,  were  soon bewildered in its noisome and
intricate recesses.

Had they  not, indeed, been intoxicated  beyond moral sense, their
reeling footsteps must have been palsied by the horrors of their
situation.  The air was cold and misty.  The paving-stones, loosened
from their  beds, lay  in wild disorder  amid the  tall, rank grass,
which sprang  up around the feet and  ankles.  Fallen houses  choked  up
the  streets.   The  most fetid  and poisonous smells everywhere
prevailed: and by the aid of that ghastly light which,  even at
midnight, never  fails to emanate  from a vapoury and pestilential
atmosphere, might be discerned lying  in the by- paths and  alleys, or
rotting in the  windowless habitations, the carcass of many a nocturnal
plunderer arrested by the hand of the plague in the very perpetration of
his robbery.

But it lay not in the power of the images, or sensations, or impediments
such  as  these, to  stay  the  course  of men  who, naturally  brave,
and at that time especially, brimful of courage and  of 'humming-stuff',
would have  reeled, as straight as their condition might have permitted,
undauntedly into the very jaws of Death.   Onward--still onward  stalked
the grim  Legs, making the desolate solemnity echo and re-echo with
yells like the  terrific war-whoop of  the Indian;  and onward,  still
onward rolled  the dumpy Tarpaulin, hanging  on to  the doublet of  his
more  active companion,  and   far  surpassing  the  latter's  most
strenuous exertions in the way  of vocal music, by bull-roarings  in
basso, from the profundity of his stentorian lungs.

They  had  now  evidently  reached  the  stronghold  of  the pestilence.
Their way at every step or plunge grew  more noisome and  more
horrible--the  paths  more narrow  and more  intricate. Huge stones and
beams falling momently  from the decaying  roofs above  them, gave
evidence, by their sullen and heavy descent, of the  vast height  of
the surrounding  houses;  and while  actual exertion  became necessary
to force  a passage  through frequent heaps of  rubbish, it was by  no
means seldom that  the hand fell upon a skeleton or rested upon a more
fleshy corpse.

Suddenly,  as the seamen stumbled  against the entrance of a tall  and
ghastly-looking building,  a  yell  more than  usually shrill from the
throat of  the excited Legs, was replied to  from within,  in  a  rapid
succession  of  wild,  laughter-like,  and fiendish shrieks.   Nothing
daunted  at sounds which,  of such  a nature, at such a time,  and in
such a place, might  have curdled the  very blood in hearts  less
irrevocably on  fire, the drunken couple  rushed headlong  against  the
door,  burst  it open,  and staggered into the midst of things with a
volley of curses.

The room within which they found themselves proved to be the shop of  an
undertaker; but an  open trap-door, in  the corner of the floor near
the entrance,  looked down upon  a long range  of wine-cellars,  whose
depths  the  occasional  sound  of bursting bottles  proclaimed  to be
well  stored  with their  appropriate contents.  In the middle of the
room stood a table--in the centre of which again  arose a huge  tub of
what  appeared to be  punch. Bottles  of  various  wines  and cordials,
together  with  jugs, pitchers,  and flagons of every shape and quality,
were scattered profusely  upon the board.   Around it, upon
coffin-tressels, was seated  a company  of  six.   This  company I  will
endeavour  to delineate one by one.

Fronting  the  entrance, and  elevated  a  little above  his companions,
sat a personage  who appeared to be the  president of the  table.   His
stature  was  gaunt  and  tall, and  Legs  was confounded to behold in
him a figure more emaciated than himself. His face was as  yellow as
saffron--but no feature  excepting one alone, was sufficiently marked to
merit a particular description. This  one  consisted in  a  forehead so
unusually  and hideously lofty, as  to have the appearance  of a bonnet
or  crown of flesh superadded upon the  natural head.   His mouth  was
puckered  and dimpled into  an expression of ghastly affability,  and
his eyes, as indeed  the eyes of  all at table,  were glazed over  with
the fumes of intoxication.   This gentleman was clothed from  head to
foot  in a  richly-embroidered  black silk-velvet  pall,  wrapped
negligently around his form after the fashion of a Spanish cloak. His
head was stuck  full of sable hearse-plumes, which  he nodded to and fro
with a jaunty and knowing air; and, in his right hand, he held a huge
human thigh-bone, with which he  appeared to have been just knocking
down some member of the company for a song.

Opposite  him, and with her back to  the door, was a lady of no  whit
less extraordinary character.  Although quite as tall as the person
just described, she  had no right to  complain of his unnatural
emaciation.   She was evidently in the  last stage of a dropsy; and her
figure resembled nearly that of the huge puncheon of October beer which
stood, with the head  driven in, close  by her  side, in a corner of the
chamber.  Her face was exceedingly round, red, and full; and the same
peculiarity, or rather want of peculiarity, attached  itself to her
countenance,  which I before mentioned  in the case of the
president--that is to say, only one feature  of her  face was
sufficiently distinguished  to need  a separate characterization: indeed
the acute Tarpaulin immediately observed  that  the  same  remark  might
have  applied  to  each individual  person  of the  party, every  one
of whom  seemed to possess  a monopoly  of some  particular portion  of
physiognomy. With the  lady in question this  portion proved to  be the
mouth. Commencing at the right  ear, it swept with  a terrific chasm  to
the left--the  short pendants  which she wore  in either  auricle
continually bobbing into  the aperture.  She made, however, every
exertion to keep her mouth closed and look dignified, in  a dress
consisting of a newly-starched and ironed shroud  coming up close under
her chin, with a crimpled ruffle of cambric muslin.

At  her  right hand  sat a  diminutive  young lady  whom she appeared to
patronize.   This delicate  little creature,  in the trembling of  her
wasted fingers,  in the livid hue  of her lips, and in the slight
hectic spot which tinged her  otherwise leaden complexion, gave evident
indications  of a galloping consumption. An  air  of   extreme  haut
ton,  however,  pervaded  her  whole appearance;  she wore, in a
graceful and degage  manner, a large and  beautiful winding-sheet of
the finest India  lawn; her hair hung in ringlets  over her neck;  a
soft smile  played about  her mouth; but her nose, extremely long, thin,
sinuous, flexible, and pimpled, hung down  far below her under-lip, and,
in spite of the delicate manner in which she now and then moved it to
one side or the other with  her tongue,  gave to her  countenance a
somewhat equivocal expression.

Over against her, and  upon the left of the  dropsical lady, was seated
a  little puffy,  wheezing, and gouty  old man,  whose cheeks reposed
upon the  shoulders of their owner, like  two huge bladders of  Oporto
wine.   With  his arms  folded, and  with one bandaged leg deposited
upon the table, he seemed to think himself entitled to some
consideration.  He evidently prided himself much upon  every  inch  of
his  personal appearance,  but  took  more especial  delight  in
calling  attention  to  his  gaudy-colored surtout.   This, to say the
truth, must have cost  him no little money, and was  made to fit him
exceedingly well--being fashioned from one of the  curiously embroidered
silken covers appertaining to those  glorious escutcheons  which, in
England  and elsewhere, are customarily  hung up,  in  some conspicuous
place, upon  the dwellings of departed aristocracy.

Next to him, and at  the right hand of the president,  was a gentleman
in  long white  hose and  cotton  drawers.   His frame shook,  in  a
ridiculous  manner, with  a  fit of  what Tarpaulin called 'the
horrors'.   His  jaws, which had  been newly  shaved, were  tightly tied
up by a bandage  of muslin; and his arms being fastened  in  a similar
way at  the  wrists, prevented  him from helping  himself  too freely
to the  liquors  upon the  table; a precaution  rendered necessary,  in
the opinion  of Legs,  by the peculiarly sottish and wine-bibbing  cast
of his visage.   A pair of prodigious  ears, nevertheless,  which it
was no  doubt found impossible to confine,  towered away into  the
atmosphere of  the apartment, and were  occasionally pricked  up in a
spasm at  the sound of the drawing of a cork.

Fronting him, sixthly and  lastly, was situated a singularly
stiff-looking  personage, who,  being  afflicted with  paralysis, must,
to  speak seriously,  have felt  very ill  at  ease in  his
unaccommodating habiliments.  He was  habited, somewhat uniquely, in a
new  and handsome mahogany  coffin.   Its top or  head-piece pressed
upon the skull of the wearer, and extended over it in the fashion  of  a
hood,  giving  to  the  entire  face  an  air  of indescribable
interest.  Arm-holes had been cut in the sides for the sake not more of
elegance than of convenience; but the dress, nevertheless, prevented
its proprietor from sitting  as erect as his associates; and as  he lay
reclining against his  tressel, at an angle of forty-five degrees, a
pair of huge goggle eyes rolled up  their awful whites towards  the
ceiling in absolute amazement at their own enormity.

Before each of the party lay a portion of a skull, which was used as a
drinking-cup.  Overhead was suspended a human skeleton, by  means of a
rope tied round one  of the legs and fastened to a ring in the ceiling.
The other limb, confined by no such fetter, stuck off  from the body at
right angles, causing the whole loose and rattling frame to  dangle and
twirl about  at the caprice  of every  occasional puff  of  wind which
found  its way  into  the apartment.  In the cranium  of this hideous
thing lay a  quantity of  ignited charcoal, which threw  a fitful but
vivid light over the entire scene; while coffins, and other  wares
appertaining to the shop of  an undertaker, were piled  high up around
the room, and  against the  windows, preventing  any ray escaping  into
the street.

At sight of this extraordinary assembly,  and of their still more
extraordinary paraphernalia, our  two seamen did not conduct themselves
with that  degree of  decorum  which might  have been expected.   Legs,
leaning against the wall near which he happened to be standing, dropped
his lower jaw still lower than usual, and spread  open  his  eyes  to
their  fullest  extent;  while  Hugh Tarpaulin, stooping down  so as to
bring his nose  upon a  level with  the table, and spreading out a palm
upon either knee, burst into  a long, loud, and  obstreperous roar of
very ill-timed and immoderate laughter.

Without, however, taking offence at behaviour so excessively rude,  the
tall  president   smiled  very  graciously  upon  the intruders--nodded
to them in a dignified manner with his head of sable plumes--and,
arising, took each by the arm, and led him to a  seat  which  some
others  of  the  company had  placed  in the meantime for his
accommodation.  Legs to all this offered not the slightest  resistance,
but sat down as he was directed; while the gallant Hugh,  removing his
coffin-tressel from  its station near the  head of the table, to the
vicinity of the little consumptive lady in the winding-sheet, plumped
down by her side in high glee, and pouring out a skull  of red wine,
quaffed it to  their better acquaintance.  But at this presumption the
stiff gentleman in the coffin seemed exceedingly nettled; and serious
consequences might have ensued, had not  the president, rapping upon the
table with his  truncheon,  diverted the  attention  of all  present  to
the following speech:

'It becomes our duty upon the present happy occasion--'

'Avast  there!'  interrupted  Legs,  looking  very  serious, 'avast
there a bit, I say, and tell us who the devil ye  all are, and  what
business ye have here, rigged off like the foul fiends, and swilling the
snug blue ruin stowed away for the  winter by my honest shipmate, Will
Wimble, the undertaker!'

At this unpardonable piece of ill-breeding, all the original company
half-started to  their feet, and  uttered the same  rapid succession of
wild fiendish  shrieks which had before caught  the attention of the
seamen.   The president, however, was  the first to recover his
composure, and  at length, turning  to Legs  with great dignity,
recommenced:

'Most willingly will we  gratify any reasonable curiosity on the part of
guests so illustrious, unbidden though they be.  Know then that  in
these dominions  I am monarch,  and here rule  with undivided empire
under the title of "King Pest the First".

'This apartment, which  you no doubt profanely suppose to be the shop of
Will  Wimble the undertaker--a man whom we  know not, and  whose
plebeian  appellation  has never  before  this  night thwarted our
royal ears--this  apartment,  I say,  is the  Dais- Chamber  of our
Palace, devoted  to the councils  of our kingdom, and to other sacred
and lofty purposes.

'The  noble lady who sits opposite is Queen Pest, our Serene Consort.
The other exalted personages whom you behold are all of our family, and
wear the insignia  of the blood royal  under the respective titles of
"His Grace the Arch Duke Pest-Iferous"--"His Grace the Duke
Pest-Ilential"--"His Grace the Duke Tem-Pest"--and "Her Serene Highness
the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest".

'As  regards,' continued  he, 'your  demand of  the business upon  which
we  sit  here in  council, we  might be  pardoned for replying that  it
concerns, and  concerns alone, our  own private and regal  interest, and
is in  no manner important  to any other than  ourself.  But in
consideration of  those rights to which as guests  and strangers you
may feel yourselves  entitled, we will furthermore explain that we are
here this night, prepared by deep research  and accurate  investigation,
to  examine, analyse,  and thoroughly determine the indefinable
spirit--the incomprehensible qualities  and  nature--of  those
inestimable treasures  of  the palate, the  wines, ales, and liqueurs of
this goodly metropolis: by  so doing to  advance not more  our own
designs  than the true welfare of that unearthly  sovereign whose reign
is over  us all, whose dominions are unlimited, and whose name is
"Death".'

'Whose name  is Davy  Jones!' ejaculated  Tarpaulin, helping the lady
by his side  to a skull of  liqueur, and pouring  out a second for
himself.

'Profane  varlet!'  said  the  president,  now  turning  his attention
to the worthy  Hugh, 'profane and execrable wretch!--we have said, that
in  consideration of those rights which,  even in thy filthy person,  we
feel  no inclination to  violate, we  have condescended  to   make
reply  to  thy   rude  and  unreasonable inquiries.   We nevertheless,
for your  unhallowed intrusion upon our councils, believe it our duty to
mulct thee and thy companion in  each a  gallon of  Black Strap--having
imbibed which  to the prosperity  of our  kingdom--at a  single
draught--and  upon your bended knees--ye shall be forthwith  free either
to proceed  upon your way,  or remain  and be  admitted to  the
privileges  of our table, according to your respective and individual
pleasures.'

'It would be a matter of utter impossibility,' replied Legs, whom  the
assumptions and  dignity of  King  Pest the  First had evidently
inspired with some feelings of  respect, and who arose and  steadied
himself by the table as he spoke--'it would, please your majesty, be a
matter of utter  impossibility to stow away in my  hold even  one-fourth
party  of that  same liquor  which your majesty has just mentioned.  To
say nothing of the stuffs  placed on board  in the forenoon by  way of
ballast, and  not to mention the  various ales  and liqueurs  shipped
this evening  at various seaports, I  have, at  present, a  full cargo
of "humming-stuff" taken in and duly paid for  at the sign of the "Jolly
Tar".   You will, therefore,  please your majesty, be so  good as to
take the will for the deed--for by no manner of means either can I or
will I  swallow another drop--least of  all a drop  of that villainous
bilge-water that answers to the name of "Black Strap".'

'Belay that,' interrupted Tarpaulin, astonished  not more at the length
of his companion's  speech than at the  nature of his refusal--'Belay
that,  you lubber!--and I say, Legs, none of your palaver.  My hull is
still light, although I confess you yourself seem to be a little
top-heavy;  and as far as the matter of  your share of the  cargo, why
rather than raise a  squall I would find stowage-room for it myself,
but--'

'This proceeding,' interposed the president, 'is by no means in
accordance with the  terms of the mulct or  sentence, which is in  its
nature Median,  and not to  be altered or  recalled.  The conditions we
have imposed  must be fulfilled to the  letter, and that  without   a
moment's   hesitation--in  failure  of   which fulfilment we  decree
that you  do here  be tied  neck and  heels together, and duly drowned
as rebels in yon hogshead  of October beer!'

'A sentence!--a sentence!--a righteous and just sentence!--a glorious
decree!--a   most   worthy   and   upright   and   holy condemnation!'
shouted  the  Pest  family together.    The  king elevated his forehead
into innumerable wrinkles; the gouty little old  man puffed like a pair
of  bellows; the lady of the winding- sheet  waved her  nose to  and
fro;  the gentleman in  the cotton drawers pricked  up his  ears; she
of the  shroud gasped  like a dying  fish; and he of the coffin  looked
stiff and rolled up his eyes.

'Ugh!  ugh!  ugh!' chuckled  Tarpaulin, without  heeding the general
excitation,  'ugh! ugh!  ugh!--ugh! ugh! ugh!  ugh!--ugh! ugh!  ugh!--I
was saying,' said  he--'I was saying  when Mr. King Pest poked in his
marlinspike,  that as for the matter of  two or three gallons more or
less of Black Strap, it was a  trifle to a tight sea-boat like  myself
not overstowed--but when  it comes to drinking the health of  the Devil
(whom God assoilzie)  and going down upon my marrow-bones to his
ill-favoured majesty there, whom I know, as well as I know myself to be
a sinner, to be  nobody in the whole  world but Tim Hurlygurly  the
stage-player!--why! it's quite another guess sort  of a thing, and
utterly  and altogether past my comprehension.'

He was not allowed to finish this speech in tranquility.  At the name of
Tim  Hurlygurly the whole assembly leaped  from their seats.

'Treason!' shouted his Majesty King Pest the First.

'Treason!' said the little man with the gout.

'Treason!' screamed the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest.

'Treason!' muttered the gentleman with his jaws tied up.

'Treason!' growled he of the coffin.

'Treason! treason!' shrieked her  majesty of the mouth, and, seizing  by
the hinder  part  of  his  breeches the  unfortunate Tarpaulin, who had
just commenced pouring out for himself a skull of liqueur,  she lifted
him high  into the air, and  let him fall without  ceremony into the
huge open puncheon of his beloved ale. Bobbing up and down, for  a few
seconds, like an apple in  a bowl of toddy, he, at  length, finally
disappeared amid the  whirlpool of foam which, in the  already
effervescent liquor, his struggles easily succeeded in creating.

Not  tamely,  however,  did   the  tall  seaman  behold  the
discomfiture  of his companion.   Jostling King  Pest through the open
trap, the valiant  Legs slammed the door down upon  him with an oath,
and strode towards the centre of the room.  Here tearing down the
skeleton which  swung over the  table, he laid it  about him with  so
much energy and good-will that, as the last glimpses of light died away
within the apartment, he succeeded in knocking out the  brains of the
little  gentleman with the gout.   Rushing then  with all  his  force
against  the  fatal hogshead  full  of October ale and Hugh Tarpaulin,
he  rolled it over and over in an instant.  Out poured a deluge of
liquor so fierce--so impetuous-- so overwhelming--that the room was
flooded from wall to wall--the loaded table was overturned--the
tressels were thrown upon their backs--the tub of punch into the
fire-place--and  the ladies into hysterics.   Piles  of death-furniture
floundered about.   Jugs, pitchers,  and carboys  mingled promiscuously
in the  melee, and wicker flagons encountered desperately with bottles
of junk.  The man  with the horrors was drowned upon the spot--the
little stiff gentleman  floated off  in his  coffin--and the  victorious
Legs, seizing by  the waist the fat lady in the shroud, rushed out with
her  into the street, and made a  bee-line for the Free and Easy,
followed under easy sail by the redoubtable Hugh  Tarpaulin, who, having
sneezed three or  four times, panted and puffed  after him with the Arch
Duchess Ana-Pest.